MY STORY ISN’T OVER YET ;

I get it

Suicide is the easy way out.

You think “Screw this, screw them, screw life, no one will miss me…”

But you’re wrong!

As more and more hollywood suicides become the norm, I’m here to say:

I can’t take it anymore!

Enough with the heartbreak and sadness!

And as much as I try to write only about jewelry on this website, I’m breaking my code, my stance, my silence… Because this post is deep, honest, and raw. So if you don’t want to hear my story, kindly traverse away.

As common folk, most of us think that fame and fortune is the essence of life. After all, the whole world revolves around money.

But as wealthy star after star ends their life, it’s quite apparent that suicide is not kind to those who have everything either.

Anthony Bourdain, Kate Spade, Avicii, Stephanie Adams, Mark Salling, all in just 2018.

And last year; August Ames, Chris Cornell, Aaron Hernandez, Dan Johnson, Michael Mantenuto, Kim Jonghyun, Stephen Paddock, Slobodan Praljak, Carl Sargeant, Stephen Wooldridge, and Chester Bennington (Man I really loved Linkin Park)…

“I’m holding on

Why is everything so heavy?

Holding on

So much more than I can carry

I keep dragging around what’s bringing me down

If I just let go, I’d be set free”

So something is clearly missing…

The basic human desire to be loved. To feel wanted, needed, to feel anything at all but agony, anguish, misery…

And I know. I’ve been there.

So many times before I’ve thought “What if?“

And I’m not trying to point the spotlight on me, no. That’s the farthest thing from the truth. I don’t want pity or sorrow or scorn… I’m just here to say IT’S REAL.

Suicide Affects Everyone!

Because as long as I can remember, I’ve thought about suicide. Seriously. My whole life. For I don’t like who I’ve become. I don’t like the direction that my life has taken me. I don’t like where I’m at at this point in my life. I don’t even like myself.

I certainly thought that life would get easier as I got older. I was wrong. It only gets harder. Worse. There is no “up” to this rollercoaster. Only down. Deeper and deeper into darkness…

There are many events, circumstances, reasons why I feel this way:

I didn’t talk to my dad for over 20 years. And I knew the day that I moved out of his house that it would probably be the last time I’d ever see him alive. I was close. I saw him on his deathbed twice…

Which was fine with me, for I hated him. Hated what he did to me. Hated what he made me…

Never once did he ever tell me that he loved me.

Never!

He loved his alcohol. He liked to drive drunk (and crash many times). He also liked to beat me. Scream at me. Abuse me. Knock me down on the ground with a belt. Verbally, physically, mentally, punishing me. I was never good enough… I put up with that for 20 so years.

And my mom was no better.

She didn’t beat me, but she did yank my head back viscously by my hair. Whack me with a metal flyswatter repeatedly. She left my dad when I was 13. She left him because he abused her too. She was scared to death for her life. She ran. Left us kids (me and my sister) with a child beater. Thanks mom!

She pulled me aside that day she was leaving and told me (through teary eyes), that she’d come back to get us. She swore.

She lied!

She never did. Didn’t care. Never tried.

She ran off and married the neighbor (who lived across the street). We didn’t find out until 7 years later…

She never came to my school plays, art shows, award ceremonies, not even graduation. She couldn’t be bothered…

Then one of my best friends commited suicide fresh out of high school.

That still haunts me today!

My dad made me feel weak and timid. Gave me zero confidence, ambition, drive, self esteem… I had to find that all by myself.

And even today, when faced with confrontation, I back down. Whither away. I still feel the abusive side effects, and it makes me mad inside. I hate it. How dare he!

I’ve only seen my mom once in the past 13 years (Niece’s graduation). It was very awkward and tense (Her husband wouldn’t even look at me… Like I was invisible. A monster)…

So you see, I’ve felt alone my whole life.

I never felt like I fit in. I never drank (I owe that to my dad), never adjusted to groups (social phobia), never had a strong reason for existing…

My sister is the only true relative that I talk to. She’s the only one who understands me (and I love her to death).

So I could go on and on. There’s a thousand more things that make me sad and blue, tears me up inside.

Being bullied, ridiculed, persecuted, condemned to Hell…

So yes, I’ve been there.

Most of it for me now is finances (the crutch of human existence).

And when the future looks bleak, dark, dim… You tend to hate yourself. Hate the world. Who cares… Wouldn’t it be easier?

I have to stop myself and say “NO!“

Give it deeper thought. Even when my mind is screaming “HOW?” “WITH WHAT?” and “WHEN????”

“STOP IT! STOP IT! STOP!”

Don’t entertain that thought. It’s a virus that will eat one alive. It will rear its ugly head every so often and start poking at you, pushing in. For life really is a bear.

Until you realize that you’re not alone. No.

Infact…

Everyone’s Life Sucks!

(That’s what I tell myself.) No one gets it any easier. Everyone has crap… Family, friends, work, finances, health, relationships… Everything is messed up, tossed around to some extent… Even the rich and famous.

There’s a ton of lows, for sure. And maybe, just maybe, an equal amount of highs.

Does it all balance out?

Perhaps.

Should it?

Who knows.

Life isn’t fair, we all know that. But you make the best with what you’re dealt.

And you do that day by day.

Me, I try to stay positive. I try to always laugh, tell jokes, inspire others… I have to! I need to spread some smiles and cheer. Keep my sanity.

This is also why I write posts here on my website… Jewelry and writing is a passion of mine… They make me happy (although this post is a drastic change, something personal and dark… But I felt the need to contribute).

And staying upbeat doesn’t always work, it’s tough, but I’m still here, pushing through, trying to stay focused and facing forward.

So what do I do?

I feed my mind with good vibe seeds. I plant words of wisdom into my brain and yearn for a brighter future.

For I do still believe in it.

And I’ve found that one thing really helps me. It actually works wonders for me.

It’s something that I came upon by accident, and was highly intrigued.

I’ll share it with you:

I write.

I keep a daily journal. A journal that I ran across on Amazon. A 5 year journal that has one purpose: to get you to write only positive things. Nothing negative. Just the good stuff… Short sentences everyday. A few lines, a phrase, some tiny tidbits. A quote, a joke…

And I can write anything I want to, as long as it’s positive.

That’s the Trick!

Positive things that happened that day. The lovely pieces and pleasures of life. The things we all take for granted.

And by doing this, it forces me to think. Think hard about what happened that day that made me happy. What made me feel good (even for a second). What made me smile, and laugh, and lifted my spirits.

For there are many moments everyday (I’ve found that out), that most would overlook.

We’re all guilty of that.

As humans, we’re always focusing on the negative side of things. The horrible news, the heartbreak, the pain and suffering… The dismay!

So a book like this helped transform the way that I thought. It made me sift through my day and find those hidden treasures. Even if it’s the smallest most insignificant thing.

And in the end, my journal gets filled with positivity. Like a photograph… Moments frozen in time. Where everyone is smiling, happy, laughing… For that’s how we want to be remembered. The way things ought to be. A better time. A better place.

And I’ve been writing in my positive journal for over 2 years now. And when I go back and read what happened last year, or the year before… I SMILE!

It’s all beautiful stuff (That was me?)

It’s joyful. Heartwarming. Inner peace.

And it really does work!

I’ve been able to push aside my darkness and turn towards the light.

It’s such a little thing, but it truly was a lifesaver. It transformed me (transforms me everyday).

So if you’re in that place yourself, that deep well that you’re digging with bloody hands. If you feel there’s no way out…

THERE IS!

Do yourself a favor… Grab a journal, a notebook, some paper and pen… AND WRITE!

It’s therapy. A much needed release…

It’s an escape for me.

Write ONLY the good parts. There are way more than you give yourself credit for. See what you really take for granted.

Write about things you love, your favorite foods, your dream vacation, your funniest memory, a teenage crush, a comic, a joke, a fairy tale…

Anything. JUST WRITE!

Or you can paint, draw, sing a song, create something, express yourself through dance, art… Whatever inspires your soul!

Just the good though, never the bad!

You don’t need to go there. Ever again. Just the positive, the positive thinking… Let that sink in. It really does outweigh the adverse.

You’d be Surprised!

And if you know of a friend, colleague, family member, loved one, who seems “depressed“, “anxious” “upset“… Someone who’s talked about suicide, brought it up… Shut themselves off to the world… BUY THEM A BOOK! (I write with a glow-in-the-dark pen because it makes me happy…)

I write every night before I go to bed (it’s a habit now), I don’t miss a single day.

Sometimes silly stuff. Stupid stuff… But MY stuff. ME!

And I feel the energy. The electricity. The enthusiasm behind it… It sparks my brain and keeps my demons at bay.

And it will work for you too!

Get you out of that dark doom.

And if all else fails, call someone; a relative, a friend, a co-worker… Someone.

Call the Suicide Prevention Helpline: 1-800-273-8255

For you have to get the anger out. Vent some. Get that stress off your shoulders. Free your burdens and crushing pressure…

Because there’s always another way. A new path to take. A fork in the road that leads to a better person, a brighter purpose.

Just you wait and see!

And if you need guidance. Reach out! PLEASE!

If you need to cry, yell, scream, ramble… DO SO! Just find an ear to listen.

Don’t wall yourself in. Don’t give up on yourself.

I WON’T!

Life does get better. There are happy times coming. And you will be so glad that you stuck around… really!

I guarantee it!

You just have to look up, into the beautiful blue sky, and say to yourself “It’ll be alright!“

For it will.

Just take my hand, and we’ll get through this. For support is the backbone that we all need and desire.

Trust me.

I’m here.

Let’s all be here together!

Cheers! :)