Once again, I’d like to take a moment and acknowledge the wonderful world of Google Search!
You do use Google right?
I’m a big fan of Keywords and Google Search Terms, and I’m always going through Google Analytics to see what brings people to my site.
Some of them I CANNOT show you! HA!
I wrote about “Stupid Human Searches” in the past, and NOW, here’s the second edition.
Stupid Google Web Search
These are REAL Web Searches. Someone actually went to Google, typed these words in, and ended up on my site here (some how, some way…)
All I can think is WOW!
There are some interesting folks out there to say the least.
What are they thinking? You decide…
Or better yet, let me! :)
I’ll give you the Actual Search Term, and then underneath it I’ll put My own Random Comments and Answers.
And umm, my comments are just as silly and stupid as the search. :)
I hope these won’t Offend… take them with a grain of salt. It’s all in good fun.
Search: Getting in Shape for your Mistress
Getting in shape for your Mistress is easy. You just tell your wife that you’re having an affair and she’ll chase you down the street with a frying pan.
What ever you do: Don’t Stop!
Congrats, you just lost 20 pounds in one afternoon!
Search: Mexican Leather Stinks
Interesting… Mexican Leather Stinks eh?
That’s probably because Mexican Cows eat hot sauce too!
Search: Why so long for Verizon Repairs?
I don’t know why. I call and call and call and they just keep hanging up on me once they realize that I use Sprint…
Search: If you crush a Diamond, what Color is the Dust?
I would have to guess that if you crushed a Diamond, it would be whatever the Color of the Diamond was.
If the Diamond is a White Diamond = White Dust.
If the Diamond is a Green Diamond = Green Dust.
Makes sense to me!
Search: Who keeps the Dog after breakup?
Let the Dog decide!
Do this: Have each person take a Dog Bowl and fill it with the Dog’s favorite food. Have them stand a foot apart and hold the food out…
Now call the Dog into the room. Who ever the Dog goes to first, gets the Dog!
Search: Why Ring Finger Grow Fatter?
Hmmmm, I would have to assume either you have hit your finger hard with a hammer, or the rest of you is getting fatter with it.
Search: What does “Ring Hole” mean?
It means that the ring is whole all the way around…
No, really it means it’s the hole that your finger goes through.
P.S. Not all holes are meant for fingers!
Search: What’s my Ring Size?
That’s a very good question Mr. Anonymous. What is your ring size?
If I put on my Psychic Hat, I can clearly see the numbers 736.
Hope that helps!
Search: How to get earlobes cut off?
That’s a very serious question. My first thoughts are WHY? My second thoughts are: Drive down the road with your head out the window…
Or just learn to Juggle with Chainsaws!
Search: Can a Woman wear White for Multiple Weddings?
It depends on how many times the Racoon has peed on the dress in the Attic.
Vacuum off the dust, and take it to a Dry Cleaner to see if those stains will come out.
Maybe if you’re lucky, you won’t get rabies.
Search: How much should you lose on an Engagement Ring?
It depends on how high the stakes are. If the person to your right is betting a Car, and the person to your left is betting a Hawaii Vacation, then I would say it’s probably an okay bet to put up your Fiancee’s Engagement Ring. Why not? There’s more rings where that came from…
P.S. Just wake her first to get the ring off, otherwise she’ll go along with the deal.
Search: Does Black Mood Ring mean you’re dead?
Sure Mood Rings work by the heat of your body, but let’s face it, it’s cold outside and all of my appendages tend to lose blood and shrink up…
If your ring turns black, it’s safe to say that either the Mood Ring isn’t working, or you’ve become a Zombie or Vampire!
Look in the mirror. Do a quick scan of your Eyes, Neck and Tongue!
Are those black too?
It could be just a fashion statement! Run with it!
Search: Fingers knowing how to type?
If you knew how many times I have to backspace and retype a misppeeld’d word, you’d probably understand that the answer to this question is: NO!
Search: How do you know how many prongs is your earring?
Hi Earring Question! There is a specialized tool used for counting prongs on earrings. It’s called your EYES!
Use your Eyes to count the prongs. Usually there are 4 prongs or 6 prongs, but I’ve seen earring with 3 prongs as well. :)
Search: Reasons to break up with your Fiancee
Wow, a Very Good Question indeed!
These things come to mind:
1) She hasn’t said “YES” yet
2) She’s 14
3) Two Words: Hairy Pits
4) She isn’t quite ready to take her internet dating to real life
5) She’s still married to her Husband
6) Her favorite hobby is Knife Throwing
7) Her Facebook Status still says Available
8) She has 6 toes
9) Her Father has the key to her Chastity Belt, and he owns a very big gun
10) She’s the real Bigfoot
11) Her name is Lorena Bobbit
12) She was featured on People of Walmart
13) She lost her stripper job
14) Her Conjoined Twin doesn’t like you
15) She’s possessed and sleeps on the ceiling
16) Her name is Violet, and she’s your Sister
17) She’s a Blow Up Doll
18) She Sharts the bed
19) Imaginary Friends don’t get married
20) She has an Adam’s Apple
Search: Crazy Man’s Birthstone
If your Man is REALLY Crazy, I would buy him a Men’s Ring without the center stone.
Just tell him it’s one of those new “Invisible Diamond” rings…
He’ll believe you!
Search: Ring Cleaning with Saliva
Saliva can make a really good cleaner, but sometimes it’s very difficult to get your tongue in between those little prongs and spaces.
Search: Why do Men take so long to buy a ring?
1) The Car wouldn’t turn into the Jewelry Store
2) Because she didn’t want a Plastic Spider Ring
3) They don’t have time to go to Mount Doom to dig it out of the fiery pit
4) Hey look, a bird…
Search: Wedding Ring Finger Stinks
Give it 12 years, the entire Marriage will stink!
Search: My Diamond Shatter WHY?
Maybe you should ask the Train that hit you…
Search: How to get gunk out of Diamond Earrings
The answer is: YUCK!
Maybe if you cleaned them more than once a year, they wouldn’t be growing potatoes.
My favorite thing is when a customer hands me these types of earrings and wants me to clean the junk off them…
1) Thanks for putting them on my palm without warning
2) Now I have to clean your GUNK and my VOMIT off them!
Search: Man with biggest ring size
The man with the biggest ring size, according to Guinness Books, is Liu Hua…
This picture says it all…
Search: Seeing Black Spots in your eyes
There could be far worse things you could see in your eyes than black spots…
Let me show you…
1) Snow Ball
3) A Finger Jab (Nuck Nuck Nuck!)
4) A Bee Sting
5) Porcupine Quill
6) Cork Screw
7) Nail Gun
8) A Javelin Pole
9) Eyelash – I just hate that!
10) An Official Red Ryder Rifle Carbine-Action 200-Shot BB (“You’ll shoot your eye out!“)
Search: Ugly Mothers
Really? You are really searching for Ugly Mothers?
What is it you’re trying to find? Pictures? Dates? Reasons why?
Your best bet is to just ask your Father!
He’s probably still at the top of the Ugly Tree… Your Mother though it seems, has found her way all the way down to the forest floor.
She’s a winner!
Enough for now…
There you go! 2 Dozen MORE Crazy Ass Google Searches!
Hopefully I made you laugh and didn’t totally offend you. It wasn’t my intent!
Oh, look… Here’s another search coming in as we speak…
And BOY DO I LOVE THIS…
What’s it called when you rip the skin off your fingers?
14k Wheat Chains
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